


show me (my silver lining)

by comeoncomeout



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Canon, An Actual Fucking Adaptation, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Mentions of Canonical Character Deaths, Silver Linings Playbook AU, That's Not Really a Silver Linings Playbook AU, Warning for Mentions of Loss and Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-17 14:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11853627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeoncomeout/pseuds/comeoncomeout
Summary: Without her powers from the yellow sun, Kara leaves an alien rehabilitation center, holding on to the hope that she can pay retributions for what brought her to M'orzz Manor in the first place.Her friends and family are persistent in bringing back Supergirl, but what if that's no longer a possibility?Through her journals of Krypton, National City football, and a dance competition with Lena Luthor, Kara believes the universe will show her, her silver lining.*No one actually dies in the fic itself.





	1. I don't want to wait anymore-I'm tired of looking for answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Silver Linings Playbook AU that's basically a fic adapatation of the movie and book. Inspired by [ this Tumblr post.](http://mizzzdreamer.tumblr.com/post/158704615641/supercorp-poster-inspired-by-silver-linings)
> 
> Lena doesn't arrive until Chapter 2. Six chapters planned with an epilogue. It may be seven with an epilogue.. We shall see.

Her room is four lead-lined walls, a single bed, one small barred window, and a titanium door bolted shut each night at light’s out. The only signs of occupancy are a framed photograph of Kara and Alex taken shortly after Kara’s arrival on Earth and a single sheet of paper tapped to the wall above the bed which read, “ **shahrrehth** ” in red ink. Hope.  
  
These two objects are all Kara has to get through her days at M’orzz Manor: A Safe Haven for Alien Refugees. But Kara knows what this place really is.  
  
She begins her day with her morning chant during her yoga exercises.  
  


_” **shahrrehth**. Hope. You are not what you have done. There is hope for you yet, Kara Zor-El. You are deserving. Alex. Winn. James. Cat. Clark. Lois. J’onn. Eliz…a.”_

The unlocking of her door and a loud knock interrupts her warrior pose, and she cracks the door, expecting to see M’gann on the outside doing the same to the other patients doors to alert them morning quiet time is over. Half right, she smiles at the sight of Eliza standing behind M’gann.

Eliza offers her a small smile, and Kara questions, “Eliza? Visitation day isn’t until the end of the week. What are you doing here?”

M’gann scowls slightly as Eliza answers, “I’m taking you home, sweetheart.”

Eliza then looks to M’gann, who clearly disapproves but says nothing for the time being, before turning back to Kara, “That is.. I think you’re ready. Alex and I have been working towards a cure, and we think we’ve found it. I brought your suit with me.”

Tamping down the panic laced with anxious excitement Kara practically jumps into Eliza's arms, wrapping her adoptive mother into a gentler hug than she is used to receiving and whispers, “Thank you. Thank you.”

With a quiet cough M’gann interrupts their moment, “As I told your mother, she is assuming a lot of responsibility by releasing you earlier than you had originally intended, and I cannot allow you to leave without first expressing my own concerns regarding your mental health. While your physical ailments are also a concern and should be addressed, I feel your emotional and mental well-being take precedent. Considering you admitted yourself, it is your choice if you wish to stay another three months or even longer, or if you wish to leave today. You are not being held prisoner, and I have already spoken with Director J’onzz who has agreed to continue your outpatient therapy. This is ultimately your decision, but in my professional opinion I must urge you to stay.”

Kara knows she should take more time to ponder M’gann’s reluctancy, but all she can think about is the inherent need to remedy her past mistakes, to pay the debt she owes to both Earth and Krypton.

In less than a second she answers, “I want to go with Eliza. I miss my sister. Thank you Dr. M’orzz. For everything.”

M’gann gives her a small smile, “As you wish. You may leave as soon as your release forms are signed.”

After changing out of her sweatsuit into the clothes Eliza has brought for her and signing her release forms, Kara takes one last look at the institution as they exit. She remembers vividly the first and last time she had seen the scenery before them. The gray walls are a stark contrast to the white and red rose bushes that line the building, blooming in the sunlight the same way Kara will do again. The fact that her thoughts are more optimistic than they were three months ago tells her she can face the world again. She inhales deeply, taking in those good thoughts, and exhales long and slow, releasing every ounce of self doubt.

The ride home remains mostly quiet which gives Kara momentary pause. In each of her weekly visitations, Eliza has talked animatedly concerning every detail Kara could possibly need to know for when she would inevitably be released. From the news that James had been promoted at CatCo or that Winn was now working for the DEO to the seemingly unimportant information, Eliza had been her go-to for outside information.

Maybe it was simply because she didn’t need to tell Kara any stories when she was on her way home, which was now at a three bedroom apartment Eliza had purchased in National City, but Kara couldn’t help feeling that something was off.

“Eliza, why didn’t Alex come with you?”

After a long moment of Eliza chooses the right words, she settles on honesty, “Because I didn’t tell her.”

Kara notices the slight dip in Eliza’s confession, “Why do I have a feeling it’s not because you wanted to surprise her?”

Eliza chuckles, “She will be surprised, but don’t you worry, sweetheart. You let me handle Alex. Let’s just focus on getting you adjusted in the new apartment for now. First though, we can check-in at the DEO and try that serum. That should make you feel like your old self again.”

Her old self.

That was the underlying, internal struggle she had been working through with M’gann and the rest of the patients in group therapy.

“Do you still have my old journals? The ones I wrote shortly after my pod crashed?”

Eliza smiles fondly at her, “Yes, I put them on the bookshelf in your room at the apartment.”

Kara mentally thanks Eliza for never referring to any place on Earth as home. Her adoptive mother knows that Krypton will always be her true home and that was precisely why Eliza had suggested the journals to Kara as a way to remember.

When she first arrived on earth, Kara would spend hours writing every word in her own language, focusing in on the book in front of her, tuning out the scrapping of her pencil and every ounce of background noise to recant each memory and transcribe it to paper.

Despite that, there was no color in this human world as vibrant as Rao’s sunrise or sunset. With her powers intake, she could still visualize each shade of red that the human eye had never seen, and her journals had helped her hold onto that imagery permanently even after the years since she had looked upon the Kryptonian script that filled the pages of a worn leather notebook.

Only now, that was long gone.

That color left her eyes when she saw it on Earth the night the incident occurred.

Kara took deep breaths, in and out, from the passenger seat of Eliza’s sedan where her worn running shoes rested on stark leather interior, her chin atop her knees while she rocked back and forth uttering quietly her mid-morning chant.

_”shahrrehth. You are not alone in this world. Home is more than a place. Home is Alex, Eliza, J’onn, Cat, Winn, James, Lucy, Lois, Clark…”_

By the time Kara had relaxed, she noticed Eliza had been parked outside of a large building in the heart of National City. Eliza’s eyes were brimming with tears as she rubbed Kara’s shoulder with gentle maternal care.

“No matter what happens inside, I need you to know you will always be my Supergirl. I am so proud of you, Kara. We’re going to help you get through this. You’re going to get better."

“Where are we?”

“The new DEO headquarters. Are you ready or do you need another moment?”

Kara releases a huff with a radiating grin, “I’m so ready. You have no idea.”

When they enter, Eliza is eerily quiet, rushing Kara to the labs.  
The only person inside the DEO who appears unfazed by their hurried entry is Kara herself, "Do you think I’ll be able to fly into the sunset?”

 

Eliza blinks at her in bewilderment and whispers, “I don’t want to get your hopes up too much, dear, but I sincerely hope it works.”

 

An hour later, and Kara doesn't feel the tell-tale signs of her cells radiating strength from Earth’s yellow-sun. There is no burst of energy, only the drip of her IV in the radio silence. She tries not to give up hope. Eliza had said this was their first attempt, and she knows her family would never stop trying to find the superhero buried beneath the broken girl she has become.

She closes her eyes and mentally recites her noon mantra,

_”shahrrehth. You are not broken. You are not something that needs to be fixed. You are.._

A hand grasping her own stops her train of thought. Before her eyes open she whispers in a choked sigh of relief, “Alex..”

“I missed you, sister.”

 

The fulfillment from her sister’s presence dissipated when Alex releases her hand. In a span of a few minutes, Kara must have entered into a mental fog because now Alex is outside of the labs clearly frustrated with Eliza, as was to be expected. Kara curses, knowing if she had her super hearing, then she could hear what is happening. She could assume with the way Alex has turned her back to the glass door and crossed her arms in front of her chest that whatever Alex is currently saying to Eliza is accusatory. That is, based on their mother’s firm jaw and sad stare when she glances in Kara’s direction every few seconds. Alex is ripping Eliza for releasing her so early.

Eliza walks down the hall as Alex re-enters the lab, “Let’s take you home, now.”

 

The rest of the afternoon is merely a blur. Before Kara realizes it, she has completely missed dinner, and it's well into the night. Alex and Eliza had left her alone to her journals after telling her James, Lucy, and Winn were excited to see her the following day. She feigned fatigue, and they left her to her own devices. It would be an adjustment familiarizing herself with her new routine, her family being there everyday after spending so long in solitude.

A soft knock on her new bedroom door interrupts her Kryptonian science journal mid-sentence, but she doesn't turn to see whether it is Eliza or Alex checking on her.

Alex walks over to her and kisses her temple, "How are you feeling? Happy to be home?”

“I’m doing great, just reading. Can I ask a favor?”

“Anything. I’m always here for you.”

"Don’t blame Eliza. It was my choice to leave. I’m ready, Alex. I have a new outlook. I’m more positive. You’ll find a cure, and I can go back to being Supergirl. It will all work out.”

Alex sighs and runs her hands through her hair and hesitantly asks, “What if there is no cure?”

Kara had spent no time since the incident wondering about the real possibility that she may never fly again, may never save another person or right what she had done. She thought, _It would be what I deserve._

Shaking those negative thoughts, she takes a quick breath, “Don’t say that. I believe in you and Eliza.”

“I’ll never stop trying, but maybe you should consider becoming a field agent like me in the meantime. You will need a job after all.”

“I have a job. I work at CatCo.”

“Kara, you know I’m not sure if working for Cat Grant is an option after what happened.”

“What do you mean? Ms. Grant has always believed in me. It would be good to go back to work for her. I left on good terms.”  
  
“Kara Danvers left on good terms. Supergirl on the other hand? I don’t want you to relive that night every time you see her. It’s too soon."  
  
“That was not me, and you know it and so does Cat. We talked before I was admitted into the institution. Has she said something else about Supergirl’s disappearance?"  
  
“No, but we’ve talked. She asks how my sister is enjoying her trip abroad. She asks how Supergirl is recovering. She talks about Astra.”  
  
Deflated, Kara shakes her head, “It wasn’t my fault.”  
  
“Are you certain you’re ready to return to real life? At M’orzz Manor you can recover, you can mourn, you can take some responsibility.”  
  
Shock hits her, like a lighting strike between her ribcage, “Responsibility for what exactly?”  
  
“Responsibility was the wrong word. I know you weren’t really you. I’m not trying to upset you, Kara.”  
  
The anger sets in when the numbness subsides and Kara shouts, “No. No. NO! You want to talk about this. Let’s talk. I can talk about it now. That’s what really caused all of this in the first place, isn’t it? Me not expressing my feelings and holding all of that anger inside? I have all of these dark thoughts, and Maxwell Lord used red Kryptonite to show the world every single one of them. Don’t you think I know all of the damage I caused? It’s been three months, and I’m ready to get my life back. I can get it back. What happened with Astra and Non, it doesn’t mean I can’t still do good as Supergirl. It wasn’t my fault, and I have to undo those wrongs by doing the greater good!”  
  
Alex wraps her arms around Kara, “You are good, Kara. You never stopped being good. I missed you so much, and I’m glad your home. I just want to give you time to heal.”  
  
“It’s time for me to fix what I did, Alex. I can’t keep hiding from it.”  
  
  
Her sister kisses her temple and smiles down at her, “J’onn is looking forward to meeting with you tomorrow for your first session. You should get some sleep.”  
  
Kara calls out a quiet, “Goodnight” as Alex leaves her bedroom. She continues to read her Kryptonian science journal, hoping she can gain some insight Eliza or Alex may be missing. She thinks maybe she should bring these journals with her to meet with J’onn. Maybe he will find them helpful, and they can all work together to find a cure.  
  
Deciding she needs the rest, she traces the House of El symbol on the cover, before placing her journal on her bedside table. She crawls into her bed and closes her eyes.  
  
Hours later she wakes with a jump, a sharp gasp escaping her lungs as the memories of her dream flood her mind. Yellow sunlight creeps in through the window like a curse, and she longs for Rao’s red light. She shuts her eyes tight and cups her ears, trying to remember, begging for the happy memories she had envisioned as she fell into a deep sleep to take over again and replace the ping in her chest.  
  
The dream started the same way it did each night with Aunt Astra singing her Kryptonian lullabies. Flashes of Astra and her mother praising her latest scientific discovery would come next. Astra holding Kal-El gently in her arms the day before she was taken to Fort Rozz.  
  
Then the dream would turn dark. Earth’s moonlight illuminating the red of Kara’s eyes and the bright green Kryptonite blade in her hand.  
  
Opening her eyes, the first thing within eyesight is the House of El symbol on her science journal. _El mayarrah._ Out of a deep seated necessity to avoid the next flash of the dream, she throws the journal at her glass window. She collapses on her knees, screaming as the memory washes over her. The shattering glass alerts Alex and Eliza who rush into her room and to her side.  
  
They sit with her as she rocks back and forth, murmuring in her native language between sobs and deep breaths. Kara doesn’t even hear the knock on their apartment door, or Alex leaving her side until her shaking has stopped. Alex reemerges with a woman in a leather jacket.  
  
The woman clears her throat and shows her badge, “NCPD, Science Division. I’m Detective Sawyer.”  
  
Kara wipes her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt and smiles up at her sadly.  
  
Detective Sawyer squats down to be eye level with her, her voice gentle, "Kara, I know this adjustment isn’t easy for you, but I want you to know that you have a lot of people who care about you and want to see you get better. I am in charge of your case, but I don’t want to be the bad cop to you, alright?”  
  
Kara lets Detective Sawyer help her stand, and she asks, “What do you mean you’re in charge of my case? There’s a case against me?”  
  
“Don’t think of it as a case against you. I’m here for you just like your mother and sister.” She hands Kara her science journal and points to the window, “I believe you.. dropped this?”  
  
Kara laughs, “You can say that if it keeps me out of trouble. Thank you.”  
  
The detective nods and steps back. She looks to Eliza and Alex, “I believe you two have everything under control. Here’s my card. Give me a call if any of you need anything.” This time she looks at Kara, “I hope I won’t have to drop by unannounced next time?”  
  
Alex clears her throat and tries for stern, but her voice shakes as she answers, “You won’t.”  
  
Kara waits for the sisterly interrogation, but it never comes. Her sister merely watches Detective Sawyer leave the room and follows after her. Eliza squeezes her shoulder in reassurance.  
  
“I’m sorry about the window. I’ll fix it.”  
  
“No need, dear. I’ll call someone to fix it. Let’s get you to the DEO, so you can meet with J’onn. I’ll have breakfast ready shortly if you want to shower before we go.”  
  
“A shower sounds nice. Thank you.”  
  
Kara steps out of her shower with a renewed mind. All thoughts of Astra hid at the back of her mind for now. She knows she will have to recant all of those memories to J’onn in her sessions, but she refuses to let those thoughts eat away at her until then. Some memories scar eternally. The memory of loss never leaves her subconscious.  
  
One moment can be filled with laughter until a peaceful lull in conversation or the sight of something from the past gives the slightest trepidation. There is always a reminder that the scar is still wide open. Even the happy moments feel like pouring salt in the wound because Astra is gone and Kara gets another day, another laugh, another chance.  
  
It was her first night outside of the institution, and she can’t fault herself for her outburst. Sometimes the memory becomes too much. It seeps to the forefront, and she's training herself, reminding herself to see the silver linings all around her, waiting for her to get it all back. She has to earn it.  
  
The conversation over breakfast and on the ride to the DEO flows without any mention of the morning’s alarm or Kara's impending therapy session. She’s thankful for the normalcy, but it still feels as if Eliza and Alex see her as if she is as fragile as glass, as if they need to walk on egg shells around her to keep her from breaking down.  
  
She’s Supergirl, or at least, she used to be, and she will be again.  
  
She holds her journal close to her chest as she walks to J’onn’s office. He smiles at her from behind his desk and walks to her, enveloping her in a firm hug she wasn’t fully expecting. She takes a deep breath, and he closes the door behind them.  
  
J'onn takes his seat behind his desk and clasps his hands together in front of him. His patient glare calms her nerves. He's waiting for her to speak whenever she is ready, and she wonders in the pregnant pause if she can get through the entire session without a word. Still silences make her feel awkward, and she knows she'll cave. He must know it too because J'onn radiates an unwavering acceptance. He is patiently still.  
  
When she had her powers, there was always background noise to tune out, sounds not privy to the human sound waves she hears now. A clock on the wall ticks seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty times, forever counting down the seconds. Time is always moving forward, and she's still stuck to this place. Even when she leaves this room, the second hand will continue tracking around the infinite circle. She watches the clock spin, and she has no super speed to catch up after all of the pause, all of the silent ticking in her head.  
  
J'onn's features soften and he releases the firm clasp of his hands. He leans back in his chair as Kara wonders if he can read her mind now.  
  
Kara doesn't look away from the clock but asks, "Can you hear my thoughts now that I'm human?"  
  
J'onn taps his chin, clears his throat, "You have always been human. Humanity is not based on one's home planet. Being alien does not make you any less human than Alex or Eliza or even me."  
  
Kara's head snaps to J'onn's waiting attention, "You didn't answer my question."  
  
"Even if I could, I wouldn't. I want you to tell me what you want to tell me, and I promise to listen. No, I cannot read your mind. You are still a Kryptonian, but your humanity is not defined by powers or lack thereof or even my ability to read your thoughts. This is a safe space. I know there are things you need to work through here, but I won't push you. Although there may be times when you don't like what I have to say."  
  
On an exhale Kara eyes the clock once more and runs her fingers through her tidy hair, grazing through a sea of blonde strands as if her fingertips could expel all of the doubts and uncertainties in her mind. The clock strikes the new minute and starts its journey around once more. Another ending, another new beginning.  
  
"A second chance, I know that's what I have now. I want to be better and do better, for Astra, for Krypton, for National City, and all of that light out there in it. I need redemption for all of the pain I've caused."  
  
J'onn speaks softly, ever so patiently like the minute waiting for the second hand on the clock, "And your pain?"  
  
Kara doesn't remember ever taking the time to see the second, the minute, the hour hand following each other to point straight ahead at noon. Days were longer on Krypton. Life should have been longer for Krypton. They should have had more time. Astra should have had more time. Each new second, minute, hour is one more tick away from that pain. It's also more time away from the last breath Astra took, the last word her mother and father spoke to her.  
  
And now her hour is finished, another one taking its place and starting anew. Kara stands from her seat. She straightens the primly pressed pants Eliza had laid out for her that morning. There is one crinkle now running along the cuff from where she crossed her legs at her ankles. She raises her head and smiles, "I'm good J'onn, really. I'm just ready to catch up on all I've missed."

~~~~  
  
Three months had passed, and there was still no cure.  
  
The Superfriends were currently in her living room for an impromptu Sunday game night. Where she once felt the comfort of the people around her, Kara couldn’t help but feeling that sting of guilt inside her chest. She felt undeserving knowing Astra would never have this type of home, the home they once shared on Krypton.  
  
Kara quietly excuses herself after the first round of charades and walks into her bedroom. Before she forgets she updates her weekly calendar that hangs on the wall above her bed. It was the same hourly schedule each day. J’onn had a meeting with the President the next day, so she reversed her Monday and Tuesday 8am schedule.  
  
**Monday**  
  
_6am- Quiet Reflection and Yoga_  
  
_7am- Morning Run_  
  
_8am- DEO ~~Therapy Session with J’onn~~ Training with Alex_  
  
_10am- Study_  
  
_12pm- Lunch_  
  
_1:30pm- Afternoon Run_  
  
_3pm- Home_  
  
**Tuesday**  
  
_6am- Quiet Reflection and Yoga_  
  
_7am- Morning Run_  
  
_8am- DEO_ ~~Training with Alex~~ Therapy Session with J'onn  
  
_10am- Study_  
  
_12pm- Lunch_  
  
_1:30pm- Afternoon Run_  
  
_3pm- Home to Study until Dinner and Bed ___  
  
  
Kara looks over her day to day life and sighs in defeat, collapsing on her bed. This was not what she had planned when she left the institution. As much as she wanted to return to the way her life had been before, her hope in her purpose had re-routed the past three months back in the real world.  
  
It was time to start considering the reality Alex had warned her about her first night back home. She grabs for the journal on Kryptonian literature she had been studying which she had left on her nightstand the previous night. An idea began to form in her mind of how she could be a different kind of hero.  
  
She thinks of Clark and how he had told her during his visit last week, _”Being Kara is just as important as being Supergirl.”_  
  
This Kara, this person she had become was not living to her full potential. She knows Alex won't agree, but she needs to step outside of the monotony her life has become. There was no hope in this institutionalized cycle she had allowed for herself. She had to work for a chance at her silver lining. Her few daily responsibilities were not enough to mend what she had broken.  
  
She sits back on her knees and skims her finger down the Monday column and pauses at her 8am entry.  
  
_8am- DEO ~~Therapy Session with J’onn~~ ~~Training with Alex~~ Meeting with Cat Grant_  
  
Looking forward to the possibilities, Kara closes her eyes and drifts to sleep.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The next morning at precisely 8am, Kara enters the CatCo elevator she had taken so many times before. The elevator dings on the familiar floor where she had been Cat Grant’s assistant, and Kara pauses to take in the well oiled machine at work. Each person hurriedly walking across the floor was a different mechanism keeping the whole operation running, and Kara missed being apart of that, that something bigger than herself.  
  
The screens above display their work, and she pauses to bask in it. A new headline appears, a scroll of text runs along the bottom of the screen. The machine always moving, like the hands of the clock in J'onn's office. One new story replaces the last, and she sees the name _Clark Kent_ flow from right to left.

_Clark Kent receives Pulitzer for his work on the Lex Luthor trials. Lena Luthor among his honored guests in attendance._  
  
A soft familiar sound she can't quite place invades her senses, a tick, tick, tick in her eardrum. She turns her head to Cat’s office to find the heart of the mechanisms buzzing around her. Cat looks up at her from behind her glasses. She raises her left arm donning her expensive wristwatch and removes her glasses with a look of surprise.  
  
The CEO walks towards the door of her office, opening it quickly and side stepping Kara, “Ms. Tessmacher. I was not aware you scheduled a meeting with Kara Danvers. Isn’t it _your_ job to alert me of _my_ schedule?”  
  
Kara eyes dart in terror in the direction of Cat’s new assistant. She wasn’t sure if this was Ms. Grant’s way of saying she missed her, or if she was reprimanding Kara through- Kara looks to the shiny glittered paper nameplate on her old desk- Eve Tessmacher.  
  
Kara clears her throat, “Ms. Grant, I didn’t make an appointment.” 

Cat acts surprised, “Well why ever not Kiera? I have a wonderful assistant who took your job when you decided to go on your ‘Wild’ adventure. She is perfectly capable of managing my time, and as you are well aware my time is worth more per hour than your entire loft style apartment in the Bohemian district.”  
  
Cat sashays back into her office, her back turned to Kara as she asks, "So tell me, what brings you back from the Pacific Crest Trail?”  
  
“I’ve been home for around three months, and you told me when I was ready, you would find a place for me at CatCo.”  
  
“Did I? Do you expect me to create a job for you out of thin air, Kiera? As I said, I already have a competent assistant. You should know. You picked her.”  
  
Kara can't help but smile. Who would have thought backhanded compliments from Cat Grant, the Queen of All Media were something she had missed? This small glimpse of happiness gave her the courage she needed.  
  
Her voice stern, Kara answers back, "I don’t want my old job back. I want to be a reporter."  
  
Cat smiles at her slightly before opening her desk drawer and removing a file, “Snapper Carr is looking for some help at the Tribune. I’ll send him an e-mail that you will be starting first thing this morning. Unless of course, you have another 1,100 mile hike planned today?”  
  
Kara squeals before composing herself and starts backing her way out of Cat’s office, “No Ms. Grant. Thank you. I won’t let you down. I’ll get right to work. Thank you!”  
  
“Don’t thank me. You’re lucky I’m feeling generous today. Show me you’re worth my act of good faith.”  
  
Kara exits CatCo and practically skips to the Tribune to meet this, Snapper Carr. She knows this wasn’t exactly what she had envisioned when she left M’orzz Manor three months ago, but she has proven time and again that the heart of a hero is not limited to super human abilities. She imagines all of the good she will do as a reporter. Maybe writing the truth and informing her readers will be enough to erase the parts of her past that still plague her thoughts. At least, she can _hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates on Sundays because guess what? "Sundays my favorite day again." May be biweekly updates. Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://comeoncomeout41.tumblr.com)
> 
> No Beta on the first chapter because I'm impatient.


	2. There's no starting over, no new beginnings- Time races on

Okay, so being a reporter was not at all the daydream Kara had pictured. Snapper Carr was a mean, mean evil little bald man. With his stupid glasses and his-pressed- pants. Or at least, that was what Kara had been saying over and over again to Alex as she packed her bags for her trip to Metropolis.  
  
“And he smells, Alex. He smells like danishes, and not the delicious smell that I usually imagine when I envision danishes. I’m talking like that time the apartment smelled like something had died, and then a week later we found the donut I had dropped that rolled underneath the fridge.”  
  
“The donut that rolled underneath the fridge because you fell asleep sitting at the kitchen table while working on yet another sport’s article when you know absolutely nothing about sports? Yeah, I remember.”  
Alex sits on the edge of Kara's bed and looks up at her with sad imploring eyes, "I know I don’t need to ask you again considering you’re packing for this trip, but why are you doing this? Have you thought about asking for other assignments? Or going to Cat Grant herself to ask for a job at CatCo writing about something you aren’t entirely clueless about?”  
  
Kara sits down on her suitcase and Alex helps her close it, “You know why I’m doing this. I’ve told you. I just have to put my time in, and eventually, I’ll get the pieces I want. Snapper is my boss and Cat is his boss. I can’t go over his head to her. I’m going to give him the best damn article he has ever read about the National City and Metropolis football rivalry, then he’ll take me more seriously as a writer.”  
Alex cups her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh and asks, “Do you even know the team names?”  
“Of course I do. National City’s team are," Kara finishes in a mumble, "the Stars.”  
“The Sharks, Kara. Didn’t you just cover their first game last weekend?”  
“I know that the Metropolis football team are the Meteors.” Kara sticks out her tongue, and Alex pushes at her shoulder.  
  
“Clark will be waiting for you at the airport. Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? J’onn said I could take the time off.”  
“No, no. It’ll be good for me to catch up with Clark. I’m really looking forward to it actually. Besides, don’t you have a stake out or something with Maggie?"  
Her sister blushes bright red and her voice reaches a higher pitch than Kara has ever heard when she replies, “ _Detective Sawyer_ and I are working a case together, yes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to support my little sister on her first overnight work trip across the country.”  
  
Kara turns her back to Alex, smiling about her sister’s terrible attempt at professionalism when it relates to Detective Maggie Sawyer. Alex made a new friend, and Kara is happy for her. Why does she have to act like it's not a big deal when it is? It's certainly a big deal to Kara, and she's happy to let Alex have her own space for other people.  
This serves to remind Kara how far she's come. Her sister can now have a real life with friends, without worrying about Kara because finally, Kara is living a normal life. She has a boss she hates, and she's flying across the country by commercial airline rather than self flight.  
  
Kara grabs her suitcase and gives her room one last double check to make sure she has everything for her trip. Despite her annoyance at her new boss, the past three months have been fine, just fine. No qualms about where she was six months ago. This was Kara’s fresh start, and she was making the most of it.  
  
She beams at Alex and, “I’m all set. You’re still up for driving me to the airport right?”  
Her sister drapes an arm over her shoulder as they walk out of her bedroom to the front door, “If you want to come home early, then just call me. If it gets to be too much, then no one is going to fault you for.”  
Kara interrupts, “I know, I know. Stop worrying over me! I’m fine, Alex. Looking forward to seeing the Stars and the Meteors game.”  
“Sharks, Kara. The National City Sharks. Say it with me."  
  
~~~~  
  
It had been years since Kara had flown by plane. Once she had moved to National City from Midvale, she had only flown to Metropolis to see Clark a handful of times by plane. When she came out as Supergirl, she would sometimes fly to Metropolis herself. A fifteen minute flight for a Kryptonian would take approximately four hours through a commercial airline, but Kara didn’t mind. She had mapped out her time down to the minute, giving equal opportunity for both work, play, and rest.  
  
She attempted to study the football playbooks James had loaned her when she had taken the sport’s columnists job at the Tribune. The x’s, o’s, and arrows blurred together after about an hour. In an effort to not fall asleep, she switched to the player statistics and betting pools for Metropolis and National City. Winn had said she didn’t need to know anything about football to understand this part of her research. He had also explained how the weather would effect both teams, and she had scrawled as much information as possible into the notebook Eliza had bought for her.  
  
The statistic part, the probability, the weather related phenomena, Kara could comprehend that easily. The problem was her mind was spinning back to her Kryptonian journal that rested underneath the plain black notebook she had now been staring at aimlessly for, _How much longer did she have to suffer through this?_  
Kara looks at her watch, and sees five whole minutes have passed. She feels satisfied enough to spend the remainder of her flight studying her journal, knowing good and well no amount of studying can make Snapper happy with her column.  
  
_The plane is still thirty minutes from landing at Metropolis International Airport when the voice of the flight attendant sounds through the cabin, “The captain is asking all passengers to please fasten your seat belts.”_  
_The plane begins to shake and the passengers gasp, some are ducking their heads while a small child begins crying in his mother’s arms. Kara springs into action, surprising even herself._  
_The next thing she knows she's clad in her supersuit, hosting the plane in the air and placing it safely on the ground._  
  
She jumps awake when the plane shakes. She drops her journal, and the house of El symbol stares back at her. It was only a dream.  
  
Clark greets her at the gate, a proud grin on his face. Kara walks briskly to his side and hugs her cousin. He smiles down at her, “That’s my Supergirl.”  
  
Once safely seated in Clark’s car, Kara sighs contentedly, “It’s so good to see you.”  
“You seem to be,” Clark pauses as he turns the car onto the street, “better.”  
Brushing off the unease in her cousin’s voice Kara asserts, “I feel really good. I’m holding on to hope. _Shahrrehth_ Kal.”  
  
Laughing awkwardly, “Are you though, Kara? Don’t you think the world needs Supergirl? Alex told me you’ve stopped your treatments. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I am worried about you.”  
Pursing her lips together, Kara tries to tamp down the anger bubbling inside of her. She takes a steading breath and attempts to see things from Kal’s point of view, falling short.  
Not that she was surprised but, “What else did Alex have to say to you about my apparent _inaptitudes_?”

“Look, we’re just worried you are redirecting that sense of optimism in the wrong direction. Eliza and Alex want to find a cure for you, but you should know from your journals, that you apparently carry with you everywhere now, that science is trial and error. I don’t want to push. I’m not choosing sides here. I want you to be happy, but if this is really what you want for yourself, writing sport’s articles for the Tribune and being,” he pauses on a sigh when Kara’s heart rate beats faster against her chest, “Human. I’ll support you, but we all know you and love you. Is this really all you want?”  
  
“I don’t need to fly or have superhuman abilities. I see the world much clearer without having x-ray vision. I can focus on my own voice. I feel stronger now than I ever did when I could lift a one million ton alien space ship and launch it into space. Besides, my powers didn’t make me Kryptonian, and they don’t do that for you either.”  
  
Clark parks the car at the front entrance to the hotel and opens his mouth to speak. Kara forces a smile, “I’ll take a taxi to the game and see you there.”  
  
She attempts to slam the car door, but it’s a weak attempt comparatively. Clark pops the trunk for her to grab her suitcase and opens the driver’s side door.  
“At least let me help you get your bags.”  
Kara struggles to lift her suitcase from the trunk, “I can do it myself.”  
“Are you going to be mad at me the rest of the weekend now?”  
“Mad? Pfft. Why would you think I’m mad at you? I’m not mad.”  
  
And she’s not. Anger isn’t an emotion Kara can allow herself to have, not after her wrath was unleashed on the people she had sworn to protect. She’s simply feeling frustrated that Clark is giving her the third degree about something he knows nothing about because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what it’s like to remember Krypton and carry the guilt she carries. He doesn’t understand the weight on her shoulders as the last true Kryptonian because even Myriad effected him. The guilt of her role in that washes over her, and she takes deep breaths to steady herself.  
  
The jealousy sets in then for the briefest of moments, and Kara is reminded how Kal has everything with his earthly life, the otherworldly powers _and_ a normal human life with Lois and the Daily Planet. He could never relate to the tether that binds Kara between their destroyed world and this one if he were the one without his powers.  
  
Her deflection doesn’t go unnoticed, but Kara knows Clark is choosing to take a step back, as he so often does when it comes to her choices. It’s that fact that settles her, grounds her hopefulness. He is only trying to help, and the fact that he at least appears to be giving her the space she needs to gather herself, tells her he truly wants what she wants.  
  
Clark gives her a firm hug, “Lois and I will pick you up for the game in a few hours.”  
Kara shyly averts her eyes to the front desk, not wanting to see the worry in his eyes, “Thank you.”  
And she means it. She watches him wave as she walks towards the entrance. She attempts to shake the feeling that she doesn’t deserve his faith in her or his kindness. Her initial reaction to brush aside his concerns and become defensive fills her with dread and self contempt.  
  
She checks in quickly and walks to the elevator. She enters the elevator alone, and rests the back of her head against the wall as the lift ascends. Looking up to see her reflection in the glass mirror above, her eyes fall on the scar that rests above her right eyebrow. She checks her mental list. One physical scar from Krypton, one emotional scar when she left her parents and her world behind, one mental scar from the green kryptonite she used to kill Aunt Astra.  
  
The elevator dings for her floor, and she finds her room located nearby. She checks her other list aloud when she enters her bathroom after depositing her bags on the bed.  
"One physical scar from Krypton to remind me where I came from. One emotional scar when my parents gave me a mission to protect Kal-El which lead me to the Danvers. One mental scar,” she pauses and blinks her eyes to suppress her tears, “One mental scar to teach me that even heroes fall down, but the true heart of a hero is in the people they love.”

~~~

Hours later Clark and Lois enter the skybox at the Metropolis Meteors’ Stadium. Kara hangs back slightly, keeping a safe distance from any more of Clark’s interrogations. She spends a moment taking in her surroundings. First peering at the panoramic view of the stadium, admiring the bright lights shining against the large glass windows. She pictures her sunlamps at the DEO. She shakes her thoughts from that as Clark places his hand on her shoulder.  
  
“Kara, about what I said earlier.”  
“Let’s not mention it.” Kara fakes a half grin in his direction and quickly tacks on, “You and Lois are the real deal at the Planet. How much did these three box seats set them back exactly? Or perhaps Pulitzer Prize winners receive the best seats anywhere they like?”  
  
Clark looks around the room for a moment, “Our friend Lena owns the team actually.”  
Kara’s brow rises, “Lena as in, Lena Luthor? As in Lex Luthor?”  
Clark sighs, “Yes, the Luthors have owned the team for decades now, and Lena is nothing like Lex. We’re going to have dinner with her after this. I promise, you’re going to love her. I think you two have a lot in common.”  
  
Clark clears his throat and casts his eyes to the door. Kara follows his gaze and begins, “Psh, what could her and I possibly have in,” and pauses as the topic of conversation walks through the door, her head held high. From head to toe, Kara takes in the woman stood still at the door as her eyes survey the room. Her long black hair is tight in a bun without a single tendril of hair escaping it’s grasp. Kara’s eyes skim down Lena’s collarbone to where the black dress reveals a modest amount of cleavage. She quickly darts her eyes back up to Lena’s face, her cheeks flaming red when she realizes Lena is walking towards them, practically gliding in the high heeled Louboutins at her feet.  
  
Clark suppresses his grin at Kara’s wide eyed, open-mouthed expression, grazing his thumb across his bottom lip. Lois envelopes Lena in a hug first and introduces, “Kara, this is our friend, Lena. Lena, this is Clark’s cousin, Kara.”  
  
Kara politely raises her arm to shake hands, and Lena looks at her with a small interested smile on her bright red lips before finely-manicured fingers delicately wrap around Kara's hand. From a distance this woman looked superior, her jawline sharp and cold. Kara imagines the anger she probably traps deep inside of herself, the same anger Kara understands every morning when she sees her own reflection in the mirror. But Lena's eyes, there is something there, something beyond the familiar pain, something like a glimmer. Kara can't help but be reminded of the way the sunlight shines through the clouds after a summer rain.  
  
And then her voice, gentle yet firm, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kara.”  
Kara closes her mouth and nods, a wide grin taking over her face as she continues to shake Lena’s hand for longer than necessary, relishing in the softness of it. She stammers, “I, I’m Kara, yes. Nice. Lovely. It's lovely to meet you.”  
Clark nudges Kara’s shoulder before draping his arm around Lois’s shoulder, “We should take our seats now. The games about to start.”  
  
Kara slowly let her hand drop from Lena’s grip and closes her eyes tightly, taking a calming breath. When she opens her eyes, Lena raises her brow at her in amused curiosity and smirks, “Let’s take our seats.”  
  
Wide-eyed and slightly confused about what was happening, Kara watches Lena walk to their seats, frozen in place for several seconds. Her brain finally catches up with her body when Lena looks over her shoulder. Kara’s eyes drift from Lena’s curves back up to her face, and she realizes she was just caught staring at Lena’s ass. Why was she checking out Lena Luthor? A red blush creeps up her neck, her cheeks, to the tips of her ears, and Lena smiles before taking her seat.  
  
She had a choice in this moment but didn’t give it much thought. She could have taken a seat next to Clark who was to Lois’s right, effectively putting some distance between her and Lena. Instead she found herself, stiff as a board to Lena Luthor’s left, side-eyeing her and forgetting she had a game to cover for Snapper.  
  
Clark leans forward and says, “So Lena, Kara here is the sport’s columnist for The National City Tribune, isn’t that right Kara?”  
Kara fumbles into her purse to retrieve her notebook and pen, spilling the contents onto the floor.  
  
Lena drops to her knees on the floor to help, and Clark adds on as if nothing has happened, “She knows all of the players stats on both teams.”  
Kara nods at Lena in thanks, and Lena finally answers Clark while looking directly into Kara’s eyes, “That’s interesting.”  
Kara exhales softly, “Wanna know a fun fact?”  
Her words catch in her throat when she sees that twinkle in Lena’s eye and looks down to see the matching gleam on her red lips. She jumps back into her seat and replies hurriedly, “Our backup quarterback has better stats than our starting quarterback. I haven’t seen any news outlets report on it, and I suppose it is partially due to the law of averages. Or at least, that’s what I thought at first. They let me sit in on a practice last week. The problem is Johnson has all of the loyalty with the fanbase, so even though Anders completes more passes than Johnson, and he can create forward plays when his passes aren’t there, Johnson has the fans so he’s the starter.”  
  
Lena sits and crosses her right leg over her left, leaning into Kara. She looks slightly impressed and asks, “What can you tell me about my own team, Miss Danvers? Are there some plays I should utilize more?”  
  
Kara bites her lip. Was Lena flirting with her? Clark looks like he’s about to faint at this point. Some things are best not shared with family. Lois, on the other hand, is smiling knowingly.  
When Kara doesn’t answer right away, Lois chimes in, “Kara, did you know Lena had the Meteors take ballet during spring training? She swears by it, says dancing is a good way to find the balance between control and letting loose.”  
  
Kara swallows the lump in her throat and is saved by the players running from their respective tunnels. A canon is fired, and Kara and Lena both jump and grab for the armrest between them, and Kara’s grips her hand on top of Lena’s in search of it.  
She pulls her hand away quickly, “Sorry.”  
The playfulness of moments ago is replaced, a hard set jawline and averting eyes taking it’s place, “It’s fine.” Lena replies.  
She wonders what happened to Lena, knows it’s none of her business. Clark seems to think they share common interests, have common experiences. Seeing all of those sharp edges and the blank stare from the woman next to her, she’s reminded of the rage bubbling beneath the surface of her skin and the emptiness left in it’s wake when it’s exhausted. Maybe Clark is right.  
  
National City pummels Metropolis forty-two to three, and Lena sighs in resignation next to her, “I hate football.”  
Kara bites back a laugh as to not boast too much, “I do too, but don’t you _own_ the team?”  
  
Lena grins at her and winks, “Not for much longer.” She looks behind her shoulder and her smile grows as she shakes her head whispering, “Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.” She calls out to someone as Kara turns her head, "Jack!”  
  
Lena stands and an unfairly attractive bearded guy wraps his arms around her in an awkward hug over the skybox seats. Kara doesn’t realize she’s scowling at him until he releases his hold on Lena, scrunching his face together in curious amusement at her.  
“Who’s your friend?” He extends his hand to Kara, “Jack Spheer."  
Kara skims her tongue against her teeth but answers, “Kara Danvers.”  
Despite the few words they have exchanged Lena adds on, “Kara is Clark’s cousin. She is one of the best up-and-coming sport’s journalists. She really knows her stuff. Maybe she can help you turn our team around.”  
Jack nods his head, “I could use the help considering Lena won’t be here to help me on that front. What did you think about our team tonight, Miss Danvers?”  
Kara tamps down the thoughts and questions coursing through her. The big one being, _Who the hell is this guy that can so easily turn marbled Lena Luthor to mashed potatoes?_ The second one being, _Why didn’t I eat before this? I’m starving._

Or maybe the churning in her stomach was a side-effect of her discomfort about this guy waltzing in like he owned the place, staking his claim on Lena. Because wasn’t Clark trying to set Kara up with her? Wasn't this some sort of semi-blind date? That’s the way it had seemed to her at least, not that Kara was interested in that or anything. She wasn't even gay! It was just the principal of the matter.  
“I actually live in National City, so my team is the Stars.”  
Jack, Lena, Lois, and Clark all look at her in bewilderment. Lois asks, “Don’t you mean the Sharks?”  
Kara tacks on, “That’s not what I said?”  
Lena snorts next to her, and Jack smiles, “Well Kara, I’m glad to hear Lena will have a friend when she moves to National City, even if you’re not a Meteors fan.”  
  
All of the pieces start to fall into place. This set-up was not romantic. It was a completely platonic introduction on Clark’s end, and Kara feels herself relax for the first time in hours. Friendship she could do, and Lena is clearly dating this Jack guy who seems charming enough. He’s probably a genius like Lena, he is undoubtably gorgeous like Lena. Judging by his Armani suit, he’s clearly rich like Lena.  
  
Despite all of that, what escapes Kara’s lips is, “Friends?”  
And it doesn’t come across as, _I hardly know her._ It sounds like she’s testing the nature of said ‘friendship,' and Lena noticeably shivers next to her.  
Jack lifts his left hand, sporting a rather expensive looking gold wedding band, and strokes his beard, chuckling softly. Kara looks down at Lena’s left hand, and practically beams when she doesn't see the matching set.  
Lena clears her throat and her gaze falls on Lois, “Jack and I have some business to discuss, and then we can leave for dinner. You don’t mind waiting do you?”  
Clark and Lois both shake their heads, and Kara can’t help but groan.

Lena takes Jack’s arm as they walk away, and Lois smacks Kara on the shoulder, “What the hell is your problem?”  
Kara gapes, “My problem? I thought you two were trying to set me up with a committed woman! And I’m hungry.”  
“And jealous.” Clark adds with a laugh, “They did date though."  
Lois smacks Clark’s arm this time, and he takes longer than humanly necessary to react. She asks Kara, “You like her then?”

Without a thought, Kara replies dreamily, “She’s really pretty,” then attempts to collect herself and finishes, “I mean, obviously she’s gorgeous, powerful, beautifully alluring and strong. I don’t see why you’d think I’d be interested though. We’re nothing alike. She may as well be made of stone."  
She whispers the last part, “Crafted by Rao, himself. She’s just.. _zrhueiao._ Beautiful.

Clark and Lois share smug grins. Kara hasn’t taken her eyes off of Lena since she walked to the other side of the room with Jack. Her teeth are noticeably grinding together at the sight of Lena laughing with Jack about something.  
_What could possibly be so funny?_  
Kara has to ask, “When did he get married? When did they break up?”  
Lois rests her hand on Kara’s shoulder to turn her away from her glaring. Kara keeps her head turned until Lois grabs her face, “Kara, you have no chill.”  
“What? No, I’m totally chill. Chill as ice cream in the freezer.”  
Clark laughs, “More like ice cream on the sidewalk in July.”  
Lois finally answers, “They broke up a year ago during Lex’s trial. They were engaged. He wanted to be married, start a family, and after that, she didn’t. She hasn’t dated since then, and he met someone else shortly after their amicable break-up and married about two months ago. They're still friends and business partners. He’s buying the team from her which is why he’s here now.”  
  
This answer leads Kara to a million other questions and she struggles to get them all out at once, “Is she really moving to National City? Does that mean LuthorCorp is moving as well? How come no news outlets are reporting on this? How come you’re not?”  
Clark interrupts her jumbled reporter instincts, “She’s releasing a statement later this week. The Daily Planet will be the first to report on it. Lois and I are the only reporters she trusts anymore after everything that happened with Lex.”

Lena walks back towards them, and Kara turns her head at the sound of her heels clicking. Clark and Lois invite her back to their place for drinks and takeout in favor of the five-star restaurant attached to the stadium. Lois whispers something to Lena that Kara doesn’t catch. For the first time in months, she actually wishes she had her superpowers back, if only for the chance to know what caused Lena to laugh like _that_ in order to illicit that sound herself.

A few minutes later, Lena and Kara settle into the backseat of Clark’s sedan. Luckily, the ride to the apartment is quiet, giving Kara some time to calm her nerves before they arrive. Well, she would if it weren’t for the overwhelmingly pleasant scent of Lena’s perfume, or the way her crossed thighs hug at her dress just so, her pale skin glistening as the moonlight shines through the car window.  
  
They would be quite the pair, and she laughs at the thought of Clark and Lois thinking they could actually be like _that_. Lena with her Sin-Cityesque appearance, and Kara with her vibrantly colored wardrobe. They couldn’t be any less alike, A Luthor and A Super.  
  
Except, she’s not a “Super” anymore, and Lena is her own person the same way Kara is separate from Clark. And maybe Clark isn’t completely wrong about their shared experiences because maybe Lena didn’t land on Earth after her planet’s destruction, but in some ways, she can understand what it’s like to lose your family. Orphaned at four years old, Lena didn’t have the family who welcomed her with open arms. Kara shivers at the thought of the environment that shaped Lena into the person she is now.  
  
There’s already so much evil in this world, she can’t stand to think for a single second that the put-back-together woman seated next to her is anything but good, that she isn’t everything that her family is not.

The fact that Clark believes in her is enough.  
More than that though, Kara sees a person willing to let love go to spare Jack the burden of her pain, to give him a chance at happiness and hold no contempt in that happiness but instead, rejoice in it. So if nothing else, she relates to Lena at least on that level indubitably.  
  
Kara finds herself without a list to associate with Lena, without the mental black ink against white paper she’s grown accustomed to using in order to make sense of her circumstances. It’s ironic that Lena’s outside appearance, from the pale face the world sees with a dark brush across her lips and the red soled heels to match, is so different from the gray tones underneath the surface. Almost as if that sadness is willing itself to bubble out from her solid black dress only to bring forth an unexpected beam of sunlight, a multi-chromatic reflection of colors against the dreary skies.  
  
Kara closes her eyes, smiling to herself in resignation. She should be friends with Lena Luthor. Lena’s hand falls to the middle seat in between them, tapping her fingers against the leather interior as she looks over at Kara. Making eye contact, Kara’s own hand drops on instinct as if Lena could possibly know that she feels a kindred spirit beside her.  
  
Lena’s eyes widen when Kara touches her, “Stop the car. I want to go home.”  
Kara jumps out of her seat, maybe she got too caught up in her own self there, and Lena is ready to run as far from her as possible. Lois did say she hadn’t dated since Jack, so maybe she took it as a bad come-on.

Lois sighs and looks at Clark in the driver’s seat before turning around, “We can take you home, Lena. You shouldn’t walk by yourself at this time of night.”  
“I’m not. Kara’s going to walk me home. Right, Kara?”  
Kara stutters, “I..I..”  
An awkward silence falls and Lena bites her lip and whispers, “Are you going to take me home or what?”

This was not at all where she thought this was going, “Uh, yeah. Sure. Clark, stop the car please. We can walk.”  
Clark pulls the car to the curb and says, “I don’t really think it’s a good idea for you to.”  
Kara cuts him off, “It’s fine, really. I can get a cab back to my hotel. I’ll see you two Monday morning when my flight leaves.”  
  
Lois adds on, “But weren’t we going to see the city..?”  
Lena and Kara both close their respective car doors at the same time. They start walking in the opposite direction of where Clark was driving. Lena crosses her arms, and Kara swings her arms back and forth as they walk briskly down the sidewalk. Lena’s anxiousness is doing nothing to tamp down Kara’s own nerves, and before she realizes it, they have walked an entire half mile without saying a single word to one another.  
  
After a few more steps, Lena stops in front of a huge building with a doorman. She turns to Kara, “I live alone, the penthouse apartment at the top, which I’m sure you’ve deduced already.”

Kara places her hands in her pockets and kicks some rocks on the sidewalk. How is she going to get out of this one without hurting Lena's feelings? She doesn't even like women. Does she? She sighs in frustration and looks up at Lena. Bad idea because that’s doing nothing to convince her that taking Lena’s invitation won’t lead to her _taking_ Lena Luthor in the private elevator she probably has.

Lena steps closer to her, “I get that you’re shy. It’s adorable, really."  
Kara musters every ounce of willpower she can to answer in a quiet tone, very much aware of the doorman, “Look Lena, I’m flattered, and you’re undoubtedly gorgeous, but I’m not." Kara closes her eyes and adds in a quick huff of breath, “gay.”  
Lena takes one more step closer, and for some reason Kara finds herself leaning into her. Lena whispers in a hushed breath into her ear, "You could have fooled me."  
  
Kara's hands itch to reach out and find the curve of Lena's hips, and she has no idea why she's feeling like this about a woman, about anyone really when she's so broken. And what could she possibly provide for Lena Luthor? She's constantly trying to convince herself she needs to stay positive and keep moving forward. She's always reminding herself to keep holding on to some hope that the universe isn't this big dark place, but that there's a ray of light at the end of the tunnel.  
  
Lena leans back and looks over her shoulder at the doorman and then quirks her eyebrow, "He won't say anything if that's what you're worried about. There's no cameramen around to catch you walking into my apartment building with me right now and making the walk of shame in the same clothes in the morning."  
  
Kara raises her hand to her throat to try to loosen the lump that's formed there. Kara has never been a one-night stand kind of girl, but maybe this could work. Besides, she's curious to find out why she can't stop looking at Lena like she's starving and this mouthwateringly sexy woman is the only thing she wants to eat.  
When she realizes she hasn't said a word since declaring her heteronormativity, her words come out in a rush, "How do you know? Do you often bring women back to your apartment and kick them out the next morning?"  
Kara realizes in an instant how her word choice was completely wrong because now Lena is looking up to the sky, tears brimming in her eyes.  
She starts to speak, to start over, but Lena's laugh surprises her, "I've never done this before actually."  
"With a woman?"  
That hard jawline sets in and Lena answers pointedly, "With anyone."

Kara licks her lips and ponders over this scenario. Lena is moving to National City, she's best friends with her cousin, so there's a good chance they'll have to see each other again after having sex. Not ideal, but she is maybe in the same position as Kara here which is outside of their respective comfort zones. There's obviously mutual attraction between them. Before she can say anything else, Lena starts crying.  
  
"It’s because I’m a Luthor. Can’t say you’re the first, probably won’t be the last. You know, it’s really fucked up honestly how that name makes people think I’m this person that my mother never thought I could be. She never cared for me, always made me feel like my father was an asinine excuse of a man for spending any amount of time on me, for adopting me in the first place. AND to think, Clark thought you could relate to me, and we’d be a good match when you’re just like everyone else, silently judging me.”

Kara is quick to step back into Lena’s space, needing to reassure her, needing to comfort her. She takes the other woman’s hands in hers, “No. That’s not what I meant.”  
She can’t help but lean forward, inching closer to Lena’s lips with her own. She wants to make Lena understand, but no words come to her mind. She feels that hollow shell deep in her chest, left from all of the scars the world has painted against her heart. She sees it reflected in the shine of Lena’s tear stained cheeks, and she brushes tears away with the pad of her thumb.  
Kara keeps her gaze on Lena's lips and starts rambling and leaning closer with each hurried whisper, "This is exactly why we can’t do this. I’m too broken, and I have a lot of things to fix before I have room for someone so..”  
Her words are halted when Lena closes the centimeters distance between them, lips colliding with lips in a balanced kiss, as hard as it is soft, as gentle as it is firm. Kara seeks her out, reaching for Lena's lips again. Starved. Lena pulls back only slightly and finishes Kara’s sentence in a whisper, punctuating each syllable back against Kara’s parted lips, “Someone so equally broken.”  
  
Kara backs away slowly and runs her fingertips over her lips. She catches sight of the red stain from Lena’s lipstick on her three fingers. The past six months, Lena's confession, it all piles on, and she starts to shake. She backs away and whispers, “I’m sorry.”  
  
She runs down the sidewalk and feels herself float slightly before landing on her knees on the solid concrete. She's not sure if she imagined it, if it's just a feeling like the feeling of Lena's lips still lingering on her own or the rapid beating of her heart against her chest like the quick fluttering of a hummingbird's wings. She's not sure if she actually started to fly or if she's dreaming right now or just panicked. But that would mean she has her powers back or that they're still hidden underneath, and that's not something Kara can handle when she knows what thoughts are trying to overtake her mind.  
  
If all of this is just a dream like what happened on the plane earlier that day, then she can just open her eyes and forget, keep the memories in her subconscious.  
Except this time she's not dreaming and the panic wells up inside of her like a hot air balloon. She left Lena standing there, before Lena could see it, the anger inside coming to the surface and wrecking anyone in its path. She knows what comes next after the red sets in, and it has nothing to do with Lena in particular and everything to do with the shared memories that she’s been trying to dissociate with Lena for the entire night.  
  
It comes in waves of red. It’s the thoughts of being less than what she was meant to be. Lena’s relationship with her mother only reminds her of the disapproval she felt from Non. It reminds her of the pain of losing her perfect world under the influence of the Black Mercy.

The anger comes forth then as it always does, boiling inside of her and spilling over as it did in that moment six months ago, like a rekindled fire threatening to burn every tree she has planted for her second chance since then. It feels like losing herself all over again, knowing Lena had felt that same thing, and Kara hates the Luthors for it. She wants them to burn and feel every ounce of self contempt she feels and Lena’s own contempt along with it. She wants them to be apologetic and beg for death, only to find no reprieve from the smoke, suffocating them and drowning out their voices.  
  
Kara fists her hair in her hands, and she chokes back the tears flooding the sidewalk. The red kryptonite had taken hold of those thoughts once, engulfing her in the same red flames she wished to throw at anyone who stood in her way. One deep breath to wash those memories like a summer rain.  
  
She remembers that glimmer in Lena’s eyes, whispering to herself, _shahrrehth_ and believing for another moment that hope still exists, that she will find it, and Lena will too, but she knows it will be without her. Lena deserves more than Kara can give. She doesn't deserve more destruction at her feet and to then pick up the rubble and carry it like it is her own burden.

~~~

Kara finally makes it back to her hotel room and stays locked inside for the remainder of her trip. She finishes her article, orders room service on Snapper’s dime. Partially to piss him off, mostly because she didn’t eat dinner the night before, and she’s afraid to venture into the real world before her flight home and subsequent therapy session with J’onn when she returns to National City.  
  
Clark checks in five times, and each one of her replies is shorter than the last, but he doesn’t ask about Lena. She can still tell that he knows at least some of what happened the night before.  
She stays up late that night reading her Kryptonian journal of architecture, nursing her third bag of M&Ms from the vending machine down the hall and falls asleep without setting her alarm.  
Clark still knocks on her door two hours before her flight departs, and she rushes to get ready. She’s somewhat thankful for the quick goodbye at the airport. He tells her in a roundabout way to look out for Lena when she moves in three months. She says she will but doubts Lena wants anything to do with her.  
  
She makes herself stay awake on her departing flight, not wanting anymore dreams. The pilot lands with ease, and she rushes to the DEO the moment she exits the plane. She feels some sense of relief that at least J’onn will give her a different perspective.  
  
This particular therapy session with J'onn starts the way it had every week for almost half a year. He doesn't ask questions right away. He always waits for Kara to cave first which she will. She isn't immune to his stare tactic or anyone else's for that matter. There was in fact great power in his glare that shot through her like a look from a reprimanding father. Behind those rough edges though, there was a softness that reminded Kara how much he cared, that she could trust him with anything.  
  
She lasts a whole two minutes this time before, "I met Lena Luthor in Metropolis."

J'onn perks up slightly but maintains his gaze, silently waiting for Kara to continue.  
"Did you hear? She's moving her family's company to National City."  
J'onn quirks his brow, "Your cousin is a good friend of hers. Did he orchestrate your meeting? Perhaps to help your journalism or was it for another reason?"  
  
Kara bursts at the seams, "No, Clark tried to set me up with her! I mean why would he even think that we," she trails off, "It's crazy, right?"  
J'onn tilts his head in question, "Why is it so crazy? I can see you two would have a lot in common, possibly even some common interests. I'm sure she would be delighted to hear your knowledge of Kryptonian science."  
  
Kara lets out a huff of hot air and scoffs, "Like she, _Lena Luthor_ of all people. She's a genius, a child prodigy. Some say she's even more intelligent than Lex was before he went insane."  
"I find it funny that you bring up Lex. Perhaps that's a good place to start for the day. Let's get back to your common experiences with Lena. Did she say anything about her family? Something that may have made her your first thought for our session today?"  
  
"She may have mentioned that Clark thought we could bond over our mutual estrangement to certain family members."  
"I agree with him, and I think Lena does too. Did she say anything about Lex or Lillian that may have brought up old memories about Astra and,"  
"DON'T say his name. He was not my family. He made me lose them again."  
  
"Kara, we need to talk about _him_ , but first, maybe building a, we'll call it friendship for now because that is important to the foundation of any relationship. Maybe building a friendship with Lena Luthor could help you confront some of those demons you're keeping at bay. She's a survivor in the same way that you are."  
  
"She said all of that about Clark thinking we would be a good match and then she kissed me. And I kissed back, but."  
  
J'onn widens his eyes, but Kara continues, "But before that Lena told me her mother never cared for her, that her mother never understood why her father cared so much for her. Non made me feel that way, like he felt Astra should have never loved me. They're both in Rao's light now, but I feel no peace in being the one who sent them there. I just feel empty, and when Lena told me those things, I ran. Maybe she thinks it was the kiss. I doubt she'd even want to be friends with me. I mean I made her feel rejected. I gave her those empty feelings again when really, I just felt all of those shared feelings, and I couldn’t face it. I broke down."  
  
"Maybe you tell her you're not emotionally ready for that step but that you want to help her by being her friend. Give her a sense of _shahrrehth_. In doing so, I think it may also help you confront your own repressed problems. You see Kara, one thing that made you Supergirl more than any of your superhuman abilities was your desire to help others. Non had the same powers as you, but he chose to abuse that power and instill fear. You both lost your planet, but despite that loss, _you_ were not like Non. You have always fought desperately to keep other people from feeling that same loss and hurt and to give them hope. You are still that symbol of hope, Kara Zor-El. Anyone, _Lena Luthor_ included, who as you said yourself is a genius, can see that hope in you."  
  
“I see that hope in her, too J’onn. That's why I can't." Kara pauses, "I couldn't live with myself if I was just another person to hurt her, another reason for her to give up hope. I'm going to let her down, and then what? I'm not Supergirl anymore. I'm just Kara!”  
J'onn motions his finger for Kara to retake her seat. She didn't realize how jumpy she was acting. He waits for her to sit and finishes, "Kara, you are the light, not the flame. You do as you wish, but I think being friends with Lena Luthor could be good for you."  
  
~~~  
  
Snapper makes her re-write her column three times before it goes to print which keeps her at the Tribune late that night. She finally opens the door to the family apartment at one a.m, wanting nothing more but to sleep after her long day. The subsequent jet lag from her flight along with all of the emotional turmoil from her weekend rests heavy on her eyelids. Instead she finds Alex sobbing into a pint of ice cream.  
  
“Alex, where’s Eliza?”  
Alex quickly rubs tears from her eyes, “She’s working late at the DEO. Welcome home. How was your trip?”  
Kara had long since stopped going to Alex with her own problems. Not because she didn’t want to talk to Alex, but she tried to separate her therapy sessions with J’onn from her real life recovery. She just wanted to be hopeful and happy. But seeing her sister cry like this and avoid the topic only reminded her of the rift between them since "the incident.”  
  
“My trip was,” Kara sighs, thinking ‘screw it’ to being optimistic. Sometimes a girl just wants to wallow with her sister and share in the struggle with someone. She realizes she needs to work on this anyway because maybe Lena will need to talk, and she wants to be that friend to someone who has no sibling to cry with.  
“My trip was terrible. But this isn’t about me. What’s happening here?”  
Kara wraps her arms around Alex who mumbles something unintelligible into her hands.  
“What was that?”  
  
“I like Maggie.”  
Kara is slightly surprised, but after her interactions with Lena the pieces start to fit together more evenly, making a much clearer picture. She tries to act shocked for Alex's benefit, “Really?”  
Alex laughs, “I missed you, so I watched one of your stupid rom-coms and the tears started. I just like her so much, Kara. She’s beautiful and so smart. And good. I didn’t even know I was gay.”  
She knows it’s not that easy considering she felt all of those things meeting Lena Luthor but asks anyway, “Why don’t you tell her?”  
“I don’t think I deserve to be happy.”  
  
Kara holds Alex closer. She wants to tell her she does deserve to be happy. She wants to make everything better for her sister, but she’s having a hard enough time telling herself that everything will be better.  
She settles on, “Get the girl.”  
  
Alex looks at her with a silent question but nods and stands. She grabs her coat and heads for the door, “Thanks."  
Kara watches Alex shut the door behind her and knows it should be that easy for her too, even if in reality it’s not that simple. It doesn’t matter if things are better. Neither of them should need to deserve happiness to have it. There is nothing wrong with finding joy and hope, and reaching for love and reaching out with love even when you’re so low it feels as if you’re cloaked in darkness. It takes reaching out to find that light, to cradle it in your hands and give it to the world, and Kara finds solace in that.

Even if she’s not ready to take her own advice just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to give a big thank you to [lexa-kom-shaikru](http://lexa-kom-skaikru.tumblr.com) for listening to me vent about this fic insistently for months now. You're the real MVP.
> 
>  
> 
> Updates should remain weekly on Sundays, but don't hold me to it. If I need two weeks, then I'll respond in a comment or something. Speaking of which, comments make me happy and help me write more so leave me some and maybe I'll keep to my planned schedule..


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